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Posts Tagged ‘depression’

Day Two

In Alcohol, Drink, Drinking, mental health, sober, Sobriety on August 11, 2015 at 10:10 pm

So its day two of being sober and that seems pretty feeble considering a couple of months ago I was close to achieving a whole year sober.

But still, I am here, and I am trying again.

The hangover has almost worn off now; the panicky feeling has gone, but I am still feeling drained and a little weaker than usual. I get randomly hot and then cold. I feel like I need lots of food to rebuild myself back to what I was last week.

Isnt it amazing that one night of drinking can do so much damage to you physically and to your spirit.

I went to yoga tonight and I lay down on the floor just focussing on my breathing.

I suddenly remembered that despite everything I put myself through I am still alive.

Whatever alcohol has put me through, whatever anyone thinks of me, whatever I think of myself my heart still beats and my lungs still work and I have another chance to make peace with my past and move forward.

Its day two and I am at the foot of a huge mountain and I know that its going to take hard work, and a big lifestyle change to get anywhere near the top.

I am going to have to ruthlessly stop hanging around with toxic people, even if it isnt their fault that they dont understand my situation. I am going to stop going to places where getting drunk is the only activity that happens there. I am going to write every day in order to document my progress and I am going to attend an AA meeting as soon as I can.

One day at a time.

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Back to Square One

In Alcohol, Drink, Drinking, health, mental health, sober, Sobriety on August 10, 2015 at 1:23 pm

My heart aches and my body is burning hot.

Yesterday I woke up in a panic. What did I do last night?

My friend came in to laugh at me and tell me what a mess I am. I told her my hearts stuggling to beat and I cant breathe. She told me to have a cold shower and that I will be fine.

I sat in a cold shower for about half an hour, gasping for air. So dehydrated and numb and possibly still drunk, I was beyond crying.

A fun night out with the girls turned into debauchery so bad I don’t even remember being in the night club.

Apparently I was handing out drinks, buying champagne, kissing random men….the list goes on.

In June of this year I had been sober for 11 months, and then I decided I was being too hard on myself and I needed to loosen up a bit.

‘You’re not an alcoholic’ is the constant message I got from friends and family, and then I started to tell myself that message and finally I started believing it. ‘Lets just drink in moderation, if I can go 11 months without a drink, I can learn to moderate’.

But it didn’t happen and it will never happen.

I want to lie in a black hole until I have recovered and healed. I have been in this situation hundreds of times. Self hatred, self loathing so deep I’m choking on it.

If I disappeared every time I felt ashamed of myself I would have spend a serious amount of the past 10 years in hiding and that is not what living is about.

To accept I am helpless, I am ill and I need to recover and forgive is the only way I can carry on.

I need help, I need support and I need change.

Day one has been worse that I remember ever feeling.

Things can only get better…

Hyper Sensitivity

In Alcohol, Drinking, health, mental health, sober, Sobriety on October 2, 2014 at 7:32 pm

I am not sure if this is a medical condition.

I am not sure if I am overly hormonal, tired and stressed.

Every feeling, I feel.

All the pain, unhappiness, sadness.

I reflect on the past so much, and the future makes me anxious. So many decisions to make, so much time to wait, yesterday was so much easier, I was a better person back then.

I want so much. I need things to fill in this emptiness.

I want money so I can enjoy life more but when I get it I only want more things, and the unhappier I become.

I am generous and when I have money I buy things for people.

I am overly generous with people I love.

I give people too much of myself and I shut down who I really am to try and please those people.

This causes me to resent myself and wonder why my relationships don’t last.

I am exhausted, hormonal and stressed.

I think too much about everything.

I am almost 10 weeks sober but it isn’t enough. How much will ever be enough?

I want a dog, tattoo’s, travel the world, fall in love, have a job I love, be sober forever, make new friends, eat good food, feel secure and happy. I don’t know how to balance all of these things.

Everyday I wake up and my mind has changed.

John Mayer once wrote a song with the lyrics ‘she’s just like a maze where all of her walls all continually change’. It couldn’t be more on point.

I start getting along with people, only to be knocked down.

I start being okay and then I’m not.

Everything is trivial and happiness is a journey not a destination.

One day this will all be over.

I am on my way to making changes and having everything happen all at once isn’t how life works.

Suffering makes you stronger.

Those that try to take everything from me are weaker than I am, they just don’t realise it yet.

I am underestimated. I am undiscovered. I feel different.

Perhaps one day life might start clicking into place.

Until now, I will carry on.

I can’t wait to reach 3 months sober.

I am proud of myself for getting this far.

Is alcoholism the problem or is it a symptom?

In Alcohol, Drink, Drinking, mental health, Sobriety on August 27, 2014 at 5:25 pm

4 and a half weeks of no alcohol; it should feel good right?

To me it feels boring, as if it is has been almost too easy.

Today I have felt a general sadness. It sits in my chest and ebbs away under my ribs, lingering around my heart which beats with half the normal vigour it usually does. The sadness flows through my blood, coursing around my body, away from my face.

Looking in the mirror my face looks pale and my eyes dull and lifeless. I feel numb as well everything all the time. I talk to people and smile but it is as if my life is lived from behind glass. I am there but not quite.

Although I know I can depend on myself, I seem to want to depend on people who cannot and don’t want to be depended on.

Today I have been let down by my mum who is my main confidante, I want to speak to my best friends but they are busy with their own lives and the guy I thought things were starting to go well with has started to ignore me.

I don’t feel like I have anyone to rely on, to bounce off or to just generally hang out with. I live on my own and when I feel down it can be hard to pick myself up again.

With all that said; after expressing my sadness and acknowledging it, I am determined that it will not defeat me or my triumph over alcohol. I mistakenly assumed that my life would somehow transform into a sort of peaceful, energised world without alcohol. I thought that perhaps I would continue to feel better and better.

Maybe I still have to learn how to live and perhaps stopping drinking is just a small step in the right direction.

I will keep going as I know this feeling will pass. Writing it down makes it seem less than what it feels and it is always good to get your feelings into perspective.

Our brains have a nasty habit of blowing things out of proportion and my mental state is affecting me physically and just generally.

I will survive.

As always, one day at a time.

‘But why can’t you just drink in moderation?’

In Alcohol, Drink, Drinking, health, mental health, Sobriety, Student, University on April 25, 2012 at 3:49 am

Last night an old friend rang me up (slightly drunk) and decided she needed a very deep and meaningful conversation.

This old friend is definitely not your average childhood friend. Our mothers have known each other since they were 14 and I have known my friend since the day she was born.

We’ve been through a lot together and shared a lot of information that would be hard for anyone else to understand. She suffers from depression and has had tendencies to use drugs and drink heavily from time to time. On one particular occasion (her rock bottom) she overdosed and I drove her to the hospital and escorted her to rehab.

For a while I found it hard to connect with her; university meant we had less time to see each other and there was a distance; a distance that never got in the way of us still meaning the same to each other, but it got in the way of actually being there for each other.

I felt like she never knew what was going on with me and I had to assume she was getting better and her depression was more controllable.

After talking to her tonight, and despite her latest drama’s, I felt reassured. Reassured that she was, at this point in time, stable. She told me how she had stopped drinking for two months in January and that it had made her re-learn how to drink and she now drinks in moderation. When she occasionally does get drunk (tonight) she was in a good mood and didn’t have the usual feelings of being out of control and guilt ridden the next day.

She said she had heard that I was ‘off the sauce’ and that maybe I should start drinking again after a month, in moderation, to keep from me having a blow out episode and end up going back to square one.

I told her again, that I was not drinking and like most people she didnt  quite grasp this concept. I think maybe its because I am at university or because its still very early days. (Or my infamous reputation for being ‘on the sauce’)

Her words resonated with me. I thought about drinking again and it made me feel deeply uneasy. Almost slightly panicked. Last week when I drank, it felt wrong. I felt like I could feel all my hard work, all my restraint was slipping away down my esophagus. Also, the reason I used to drink was to get drunk (in social situations) so only having one drink doesn’t make sense to me. I am very much an all or nothing person, which makes it hard to explain to everyone who says ‘but why cant you drink in moderation?’

If I knew the answer to that I would never have contemplated giving up.

Constantly over thinking may be a bad thing, but for once in my life my brain has stopped over thinking on this particular subject. I feel secure and sure that I don’t want to drink. I know that I cannot trust myself to drink in moderation, hence the drastic need for action.  One thing my friend had said she has learnt from going through her experiences was to do exactly what you feel is right and shut off what anyone else tells you. (Simple words of advice; yet as usual, its always comforting to hear them from someone else!)

My theory is that when you are not sure you are making the right decision, you listen to other people, in hope they can convince you that the decision you have made, is a bad one. Sometimes its easier to go along with what other people say than being true to yourself and going against the grain.

One thing that I will say now, is even the people who think they are giving you their best advice do not know what you need sometimes. They will try and convince you to do things a certain way, but you should only do what you feel is right for yourself.

I also know that these individuals will change their mind when you prove them you were right. Its not that they are trying to disrupt you or they are trying to be malicious (hopefully not) but they just do not fully understand and perhaps never will. Unless a human can directly relate, they may never be fully appreciative of a situation and its seriousness.

The only reason I can now acknowledge how valuable my friends piece of advice is, is by following the advice. And the reason I followed the advice and am still following the advice is because I wanted to do it. I saw the potential in myself and I decided to change.

Last night my flat mates went out to a nightclub and I still had the essay to finish. I got ‘Oh, Abi’s being boring again’ from one of them. Usually, I would be worried. worried that I am going to be out the loop, that people will forget about me, that I am a nobody if I am not drunk, dancing, causing some drama. But now I simply don’t care anymore. I’d feel frustrated about being left behind. But I felt calm and I enjoyed my own company for a while.

They arrived home as I was finishing off my essay. They told me about who they had seen, the drunken antics and I saw them go off to bed. I hadn’t missed out on anything major. I woke up with no hangover, no guilt and I still had a laugh with everyone. I secretly breathed a sigh of relief that it was possible to not feel like my whole social life revolved around going out and getting drunk. This evening we went to see a movie and tomorrow we are going to a theme park. Yet again, no drinking needed.

I went home for 5 weeks at Easter back to my parents to detox and do exactly what I wanted to do. I purposely kept myself away from my usual social spots; the two local pubs. At first I was scared I would be missing out, but I kept myself away because I was determined to get better. Even though at first you may feel you have dropped off the scene and maybe not many people ( except only real friends) bother with you but you discover that nothing in the usual places change too much and you’re not actually missing out.

I have also noticed that since telling my friends about not drinking, I have experienced three different types of reactions; 1. Fully accepting and understanding of my reasons. They have been supportive and very pleased for me. Or 2. They kind of understand but don’t understand the ‘not drinking again’ part. They try to preach about moderate drinking and that you’re still young etc. but they don’t put up too much of a fuss, and finally 3. They think its absurd and make a real fuss.

It makes me wonder whether it is a real test as to who is actually my friend or whether some people simply cannot comprehend a life without alcohol. To each person I have tried to rationalise the dangers of my drinking and what I am preventing by being sober; but each person sees the situation differently. Should you judge your friends for reacting in a certain way? I don’t know. The only thing I know is I like it when I know I have support for doing something that feels right for me and when friends try and understand my situation.

I am a great believer in honesty and everyone being able to offer their opinions on what life decisions a friend makes but I do know that a little support and encouragement can go a long way. I wish more of my friends could fully understand this.