abijam

Love

In Uncategorized on February 25, 2016 at 10:24 pm

Love is a Netflix series in which Gillian Jacobs plays a lady with drug, alcohol and sex and love addiction.

I watched it thinking wow this lady is a messed up narcissist who needs to grow up.

Then I continued watching it and realised I recognised her in myself.

i have been drinking again and I have been blackout drunk within the last week.

i have also got in touch with my ex and have arranged to meet him.

i almost went to an AA meeting and then bottled it.

maybe my addictions run deeper than alcohol. Maybe I am scared of who I am and facing up to it.

maybe I am too open and set myself up to fail everytime I open my mouth.

maybe I should just deal with everything alone and hope it works.

i want someone to tell me I need help and to stop drinking or I will die during a blackout. I want someone to tell me that I am capable of never drinking again and that just because I have failed over ten times before, it’s okay to keep trying.

its okay that all my friends drinks and I no longer want to.

 

someone please tell me this.

Advertisements
  1. hi noifsorbuts ((hugs)) it’s okay to keep trying, and i think most of us don’t crack this thing first try, 10th try, even 20th try..but if you keep trying, i believe that eventually something will click and you will find your way to the other side.

    i think you should go to the aa meeting, because the people there understand and can help. they’ve been where you are. it sounds like your friends just don’t understand, but that’s okay because there are a whole lot of us that DO understand. totally. keep trying. try something different…

    sorry for rambling on, i just meant to say: i hear you. i understand. it is so hard! keep trying, you are worth it.

    jaded

    • Hi Jaded, thanks for your lovely words. I just needed that. I have only been to one AA meeting before and I cried the whole way through because I found a room full of people who understood my struggle, who were struggling and who had pulled through. You would think that would be enough to fully commit and accept, but it wasn’t. I have been fighting against alcoholism in pursuit of being ‘normal’. I have been through phases of sobriety and phases of drinking, but you can never escape the truth no matter how much in denial you are.
      I will try again and again and again though. Thanks again, NIOBS x

  2. I am more inclined to think it’s wrapped up with a huge number of other things. Going to the meetings won’t change a thing until you’re ready and you’ve grown in a way that isn’t possible to put into words and say “OK, you’ve ticked off all the points, now you’re ready”.

    I have been there myself at your age and throughout my 20s until age 30, and unfortunately I can only say that there is no quick fix, or there wasn’t for me anyway. I kept f*cking up for around 12 years constantly, it was just a cycle I was stuck in. I would wake up some days with the strongest resolve (or the strongest hangover) and by lunchtime it was all over, and I was back to my bad old ways. Sometimes the pattern of abstinence -> binge would last as long as 3 months. But it was still a pattern, not progress.

    You’ve built up the AA meetings to be something that will magically fix you, but you’re scared that they won’t, that’s why you don’t go. Sorry if that’s harsh, but I feel like not mincing my words today, because I’m not sure of the helpfulness of the “there, there” approach.

    only you can tell yourself the things that you know are true.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: