Back to Square One

In Alcohol, Drink, Drinking, health, mental health, sober, Sobriety on August 10, 2015 at 1:23 pm

My heart aches and my body is burning hot.

Yesterday I woke up in a panic. What did I do last night?

My friend came in to laugh at me and tell me what a mess I am. I told her my hearts stuggling to beat and I cant breathe. She told me to have a cold shower and that I will be fine.

I sat in a cold shower for about half an hour, gasping for air. So dehydrated and numb and possibly still drunk, I was beyond crying.

A fun night out with the girls turned into debauchery so bad I don’t even remember being in the night club.

Apparently I was handing out drinks, buying champagne, kissing random men….the list goes on.

In June of this year I had been sober for 11 months, and then I decided I was being too hard on myself and I needed to loosen up a bit.

‘You’re not an alcoholic’ is the constant message I got from friends and family, and then I started to tell myself that message and finally I started believing it. ‘Lets just drink in moderation, if I can go 11 months without a drink, I can learn to moderate’.

But it didn’t happen and it will never happen.

I want to lie in a black hole until I have recovered and healed. I have been in this situation hundreds of times. Self hatred, self loathing so deep I’m choking on it.

If I disappeared every time I felt ashamed of myself I would have spend a serious amount of the past 10 years in hiding and that is not what living is about.

To accept I am helpless, I am ill and I need to recover and forgive is the only way I can carry on.

I need help, I need support and I need change.

Day one has been worse that I remember ever feeling.

Things can only get better…

  1. I am so sorry you are going through this, Abi. Your description of this hangover after such a long stint dry is so vivid I feel like I am experiencing it. Your friend’s comment must have felt like shards of glass on your soul but of course a person who can’t relate to alcoholism is blissfully oblivious to the impact retelling such stories has on you.

    A relapse can be one night or longer…the choice is yours, but I am hearing hope in your voice and that is so encouraging.

    What kind of support were you getting during those 11 months? AA, blogs, sober friends, etc. Friends and family will probably always insist you’re not an alcoholic-even if you don’t drink the rest of your life! That hope you carry for things to get better will keep you strong moving forward but I hope you can also get the support you’re needing to live a happy sober life.

    • Thanks for your words. I think I need to find a strong support system now that I know there is no going back. I used to write a blog but that isn’t enough, I probably should go to AA and find a mentor but I’m so shy about going on my own. It’s something I will have to overcome though because I never want to feel this bad again.

      • I used to blog a lot, too, and found it was helpful but also not quite enough. And it took me a LONG time to muster the courage to go to AA alone–believe me! There are lots of open meetings, so you could always go to one with a friend who isn’t an alcoholic but just someone willing to support you. I tried online AA meetings but ended up getting bored and walking away from the computer, haha. I’m glad you blogged today.

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