abijam

It’s a new dawn, It’s a new day.

In Uncategorized on December 9, 2014 at 8:50 pm

I am in the midst of week 21 of sobriety and I am reflecting on how far I have come, not just in maintaining my sobriety, but as a person.

Typically, I have been to known to focus on wanting rather than to focus on what I have got.

I was desperate to reach the ‘one year sober’ milestone.

I wanted to reveal a big transformation as if I were some sort of celebrity.

I was of low self esteem and yet of high importance in my own mind.

Poor me. I don’t have this, I don’t have that.

I am not fully recovered of this infliction called self pity and self isolating but I am learning to recognise it and understand that it needs to change.

I am not sure how these changes have started to happen; is sobriety the main healer, could it be the therapy I go to, the boxing classes I have started taking or a combination of everything?

A year ago I was a scared girl. I knew I had to give up drinking but I knew it meant sacrificing my social life and separating from those I considered friends.

I wondered how I would ever find love or love myself.

I wanted and expected much more than I was getting from life.

A year on and I feel as a fog is starting to clear and I am starting to feel and see what is really happening. Cliche I know, but hear me out.

I am a fortunate person for many reasons; I have no financial problems, I have no major health worries and I do have people in my life who care about me.

I am also beginning to realise that alcoholism is also my blessing.

I see alcoholism or a form of it in most of my family members. Some work too hard, some surround themselves with material things and fake friends, some think nothing about anything except for themselves. I am all of those people and I am caring and kind and sensitive. The alcoholism is my destructive, out of control side which allows me to become a monster.

I see the monster in other people, but I know the difference between my monstrosities and theirs. I have told myself that I have a problem and accepted it, whole heartedly.

And when I admitted alcoholism I felt vulnerable, ashamed, guilty and afraid but I worked through it.

I still see so many people in denial and I desperately want to help.

Now that I am out of the painful, shameful part of sobriety, I feel alive.

Being alive is not always good, being alive is experiencing and feeling everything. And dealing with everything. There is no substance or self destructive activity to distract yourself with. But you cope and you get stronger each day you don’t rely on anything but yourself.

There have been times after some of my worst drinking binges; I lay naked, starving, dehydrated, depressed and ill. I lay for hours, sometimes days and I couldn’t move. I looked in the mirror and I saw nothing I liked. I went to work and thought everyone hated me. I thought my friends pitied me and my family despaired of me. Sometimes, I couldn’t see a way out or amy way in which life could improve. I desperately wanted someone to tell me I was an alcoholic but I knew I wouldn’t have accepted it from anyone other than someone who was an alcoholic.

All I can say to anyone who thinks they may have a drinking problem is that you probably do and the truth is the only thing that can set you free. Once you know and accept the truth and you live each day knowing you are sick and not a shameful person, that you are ill and not a bad person, things can and will get better.

You will struggle and you won’t feel the positives for a while. You will want everything to happen instantaneously, because its in an alcoholics nature to be impatient.

You will pity yourself and ask ‘why me?’

And then you will realise that despite having an illness you also have a unique opportunity to start again. To learn to live without crutches, to open yourself up to the world and all it has to offer, to try new things, to meet new people, to become a new person.

You will feel awakened.

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  1. Oh, all so very true ! You have gone through a beautiful transformation. I love this post. These are the gifts of your sobriety! Sending hugs 🙂

  2. This is so very heartwarming and tear-jerking. Very powerful. You could write a book, you’re amazing!

  3. thank you both for your kind words, I’m glad you enjoyed!

  4. This part is so meaningful:

    “To learn to live without crutches, to open yourself up to the world and all it has to offer, to try new things, to meet new people, to become a new person.

    You will feel awakened.”

    It’s amazing how changing this one thing in your life has so many knock on effects.

    You separate from people that were so damaging to you, and yet you used to be terrified of losing.

    You stop blaming your lack of foresight or unreliability or broken promises or hurting others on a thing, and with no scapegoat, these things curtail.

    You empty out your cluttered life and with it go all those wasted hours languishing in bed, nights spent in oblivion, days spent barely awake, and make room for more energising experiences.

    You start seeing your place in the real world not just the insular little world which consists of acquiring more booze – when and where and who with and planning all of your sordid little misadventures.

    Ultimately, and counter-intuitively, responsibility ends up being the most freeing thing in the world.

  5. Thanks TJ.

    You summed it up very well in a way which I haven’t thought of before; responsibility ends up being the most freeing thing in the world.

    So much of my drinking career I spent looking to blame others for my problems and my demons and now that I have taken responsibility for myself I feel allot more liberated.

    Another thing I have accepted is that everyone has issues; alcoholism, mental illness, friends, family, physical symptoms etc and that life is hard for everyone. Realising this and realising that I am not a hopeless case has helped as much as sobering up.

    • A good read for you would be “The Road Less Travelled” by M. Scott Peck. I think you’d knit a lot of strands together. I’ve only just started it and it talks about discipline and taking responsibility as being the cornerstones of really living and being free.

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