abijam

There is no rewind button

In Uncategorized on April 26, 2014 at 9:13 am

Day 6 no drinking – yesterday i went to see a counsellor who I have seen before and he knows me quite well. I told him about last weekends drunken episodes and how I was completely ashamed of myself.

Every time I drink, the more ashamed of myself I become and all the memories are stacking up. I told him I wish I could rewind and start over again. I wish I never had been pressured into drinking or influenced by people who just wanted to corrupt me. I wanted to be the nice, young girl I used to be again. Its such a strong desire, that it makes me angry about who I am today.

‘Dwelling on the past is not going to help you move forward, if you start to change now, your perception of yourself and other peoples perception of you will start to change and eventually you will be a non drinker and it won’t be an issue. Your past will be in the past and you can move on from that’ were my counsellors words. Such a simple concept which most people could have told me or I could have figured out myself, but because it came from him  I listened and I understood.

You can’t change your past and no matter how upsetting it is, going over and over it is not going to benefit your future.

How I behave when I drink is uncharacteristic to who I actually am and I want to separate myself from that person and become a better version of myself.

In other news, tomorrow I am doing a 10km obstacle course in the mud with work colleagues which I am scared / excited about!!

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  1. His words were simple… are you sure not simplistic?

    But then again. It is very simple I guess. You have made a decision to stop/ cut down and only you can enforce this.

    Yesterday I was asked by my boyfriend who is a heavy drinker, not to drink at all. Certainly not when we are together – so basically never, because even if I were out with friends, I’d come home to him and there’d be a huge a risk of me causing a fight.

    I don’t want to be trapped by the beers of the past either. When I had my three months off, I didn’t think about all the fucked up things I did in the past at all. It seemed like another person. I wasn’t held hostage by them any more. It was very easy and satisfying to renounce that part of myself.

    It sounds like you are going through a similar process.

    • Hi, firstly thankyou very much for taking the time to read my blogs, it’s so reassuring to hear from someone who has a similar relationship with alcohol.
      Im definitely going through the process of separating myself from what I used to be and it’s very hard but already I feel better. I know I have a long way to go and I am yet to resist temptation, but I feel stronger than ever.

  2. That really is wonderful, that feeling of strength. Even when it wanes, which it inevitably will, find a way of bringing to your mind reasons why it’s not a good idea to have “just the one”.

    Changing something as huge as this is a lifestyle change and a lifetime commitment. It’s like being plonked in a different country and not knowing anyone there and you just have to find your way and make it work. Unfortunately no matter how many people we surround ourselves with, and how close those relationships are, ultimately only you have the power to stick to the changes. No-one can force you to do anything that you don’t already want to.

    This aspect of stopping / cutting down drinking being a lifestyle change is something I am going to have to try to get across to my heavy-drinking boyfriend when we have a heart to heart sometime we’re feeling strong (i.e never…). I want to help him cut down but alas the impetus has to come from him. I’d like to offer him a different lifestyle, one in which we both have interests that don’t revolve around pubs, parties, art openings with free booze, sitting and drinking at home…

    I’d like to get stuck into hobbies like health & fitness, being creative, being organised and to have time for developing personal growth. Alcoholic drinkers thrive on a hectic lifestyle lived at 90mph.

    From now on, I don’t want the dramas, don’t want the worries, don’t want the pain.

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