abijam

Archive for April, 2014|Monthly archive page

Pro’s and Con’s

In Alcohol, Drink, Drinking, health, mental health, Sobriety on April 27, 2014 at 8:45 pm

Day 7 of no drinking (whoop! Tiny milestone alert) 

It occurred to me today that even though I usually have good gut instincts about most things, whatever you choose to do with your life; each decision comes with a list of pro’s and con’s.

Im at a pivotal point in my life where change could make everything completely different or I could just stick with what I have been doing and hope that with perseverance and time, things will work out for me.

I felt like a decision as big as this, a list of pro’s and con’s would be a good idea; so tonight I sat down with a tea and drew up a fairly substantial list.

The list turned out to be pretty biased towards making changes but is that simply because if you make changes you’re gambling with life’s possibilities; essentially you could double or nothing. You could fall in love in another city or country, you could learn new skills, you could meet people and they would never have to know who you once were… or you could fail and your old life may reject you even more than it currently does.

I constantly get cravings to travel and learn more and by nature I am not one for settling or slowly building things up. I am more run, jump and dive head first.

For the first time in my life I have made big commitments; buying a house, I’m in a managerial job at the family business for over a year and I have decided to not drink, so perhaps I may regret rushing away from this?

Ive also noticed how influential other people can be on making big decisions, sometimes people close to you have their own plans for you without meaning to be controlling. Even complete strangers can subtly be influential.

Ive just watched the film eat pray love (cheesy, I know) but some elements made sense to me. At the end Julia Roberts gets very philosophical about the fact that everyone we meet is a teacher and if you take everything on board then life is full of clues. The film itself wasn’t the best but it got me to think.

I started thinking about people who had come in and out of my life and the people who stand out most are the people who have caused me the most pain. Those people also gave me some of the best times and they taught me the most about myself.

Ive been getting to know someone recently who I could put into the category of ‘teacher’ too. Even though we have never met, we speak on the phone most days at work and he has such a different view of life than anybody else I know. He is unreliable, funny, culturally different, relaxed, unmotivated, knowledgable and just different. I speak to him during work because our office is very serious and he makes me laugh and smile uncontrollably. He doesn’t understand my situation but I feel like he knows a side to me no one else does.

He’s a big drinker and has encouraged me to drink in the past without malicious intent but just to encourage me to ‘get out more’.

Last week, he encouraged me to organise a bbq with my friends and I thought ‘why not?’ I took it as a sign that I should be making for of an effort with my ‘friends’. The bbq turned out to be a bit of a flop, and I ended up getting so shit faced drunk to make up for it, hence why I decided to quit drinking. If he hadn’t of suggested the bbq, perhaps I may still be drinking and I wouldn’t have rethought a lot of things.

Since 7 days of non drinking I have done a 10km run, I have researched courses to study and I have considered changing every aspect of my life.

There are pro’s and con’s to every decision, but sometimes its the teachers in our lives who help us make those decisions.

Perhaps life is full of clues?

Advertisements

There is no rewind button

In Uncategorized on April 26, 2014 at 9:13 am

Day 6 no drinking – yesterday i went to see a counsellor who I have seen before and he knows me quite well. I told him about last weekends drunken episodes and how I was completely ashamed of myself.

Every time I drink, the more ashamed of myself I become and all the memories are stacking up. I told him I wish I could rewind and start over again. I wish I never had been pressured into drinking or influenced by people who just wanted to corrupt me. I wanted to be the nice, young girl I used to be again. Its such a strong desire, that it makes me angry about who I am today.

‘Dwelling on the past is not going to help you move forward, if you start to change now, your perception of yourself and other peoples perception of you will start to change and eventually you will be a non drinker and it won’t be an issue. Your past will be in the past and you can move on from that’ were my counsellors words. Such a simple concept which most people could have told me or I could have figured out myself, but because it came from him  I listened and I understood.

You can’t change your past and no matter how upsetting it is, going over and over it is not going to benefit your future.

How I behave when I drink is uncharacteristic to who I actually am and I want to separate myself from that person and become a better version of myself.

In other news, tomorrow I am doing a 10km obstacle course in the mud with work colleagues which I am scared / excited about!!

I want to run away

In Uncategorized on April 24, 2014 at 10:15 pm

Day 4 of no drinking and I have arranged a counselling session for Friday which is something I am looking forward to. I also spoke to an addiction therapist who has been in the ‘trade’ for twenty + years and has seen many different cases of alcohol problems. I found speaking to him oddly calming and soothing, very non emotional but as if, even through a phone, he knew and he understood.

Today I had a relatively good day. I ran 4.5 miles (only because my colleague made sure i didn’t stop) and work went quickly. I am still haunted by the weekends mess and what I did. These are things that I hope will fade, as mulling over them in my head isn’t helping my deep down self loathing. 

I want to scream at everyone who thinks I am crazy or promiscuous or non directional that I am a good person deep down but I have a problem. I also want to disappear and never see them again. I feel like the area I live is laced with drunken memories that haunt me at my every turn.  I want to be able to start fresh and also to run and hide.

Cowardly? Or is that normal?

 

Binge Drinking Blues

In Alcohol, Drink, Drinking, health, mental health, Sobriety on April 22, 2014 at 10:26 pm

I am a binge drinker and  so are most of my peers but I am always to the extreme and very embarrassing on every drinking occasions.
I have tried several times to stop over the years, even as young as aged 19.
I think I have a problem and I have done some disgusting things whilst drunk; I am full of self loathing from my last binge. I want to quit again but I don’t feel like a proper alcoholic to resort to getting full on help. I want to quit and get support but I have said I will quit so many times no one will believe me anymore.
I don’t know what to do, I think talking to someone who binges / used to binge and considers it an alcohol problem would help.

Any thoughts?