abijam

Do I have AA problem?

In Alcohol, Drink, Drinking, Sobriety, Uncategorized on November 30, 2013 at 10:25 am

My last binge was so disastrous, I found myself in an AA Meeting on Monday evening.

‘Sign of an interesting weekend’ said one of the regular attendees of the meeting.

‘Damn right’ I said through a barrage of tears.

This hangover was different. I woke up with a mixture of wanting to tear my soul out because i was so full of self loathing and an over whelming calm sensation which told me ‘this is the end’.

I stayed in my bed, just waiting. I knew that I needed and wanted to change. I was now not only killing myself but I could have killed other people, just due to the effects of a drug, alcohol.

If someone told me that by drinking coffee in copious amounts I would end up driving with no recollection, I would try to jump out moving cars, I would be hospitalised for jumping out windows, from jumping down stairs, I would have unprotected sex with no recollection, I would be physically and verbally abusive, I think the odds are, I would stop drinking coffee. No buzz is worth all of the pain alcohol has caused me and my family. And the fact that I haven’t been able to control it, even after so many incidents, means that it is a problem.

I have an alcohol problem.

Ironically when I went to the AA,  I still hadnt admitted this.

I went to the meeting and I wanted to meet some ‘real alcoholics’.

I found their stories so familiar that my chest caved in, my eyes didnt want to see any more and my tears of relief and understanding forced their way down my face, washing away some of the shame that lingered on my skin from Saturday night.

Everyone welcomed me with open arms and I felt like if they could accept me for who I am and what I have done, then maybe I am not alone. Maybe I am not the rotting, disgusting human being I had painted myself to be. These people had all been through this, probably a lot worse and yet they didn’t patronise me or inflict any self righteousness on me. They just simply understood.

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  1. This is incredibly well written and very poignant and authentic… You have a unique voice and I am glad that through all the pain and suffering (and numbness) you are using it…

    I am always surprised when people that I’ve hurt don’t disown me after a rampage – they might have a strong desire to leave me alone for a long time, but they remain my friends or my boyfriend. I’ll be ever thankful for that.

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