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Archive for November, 2013|Monthly archive page

Liquid Culture

In Uncategorized on November 30, 2013 at 10:30 am

I chose sobriety at the time of the year which makes me feel like the whole world is working against me.

Drinks on TV, in music, twitter, Instagram, Facebook. Everyone is drinking or talking about it, Christmas is renowned as being one big piss up in the UK. Drinks with family, work colleagues, NYE parties etc. It’s all about booze.

And today will be 6 days sober. A small victory for a former binge drinker. This year I will have spent about three months sober, so far so good. But those three months were my two previous attempts at not drinking.

Slowly, the sobriety starts working against me.

My brain conveniently forgets what its like to be drunk or what its like to wake up and know you’ve ruined your life but not remember how.

Sobriety also tricks my brain and I start thinking things like ‘this time it could be different, maybe its worth the risk?’

‘Ive gone seven weeks without a drink, I think I deserve one!’

‘I have to go to a party where everyone is going to notice how sober I am, lets just have one drink so I dont have to make up an excuse’

It’s such a strong force of forgetfulness that I am experiencing now and it’s just six days after my last binge. Up until last weekend, I was happy to steadily drink through christmas markets, christmas parties and christmas itself. My thought pattern is that which convinces me that if last weekend hadn’t of happened then I would have had a great christmas.

Lies. The amount of times I have been through this thought pattern, it doesnt matter if its my birthday, the summer holiday, someone elses birthday, its always the same. Even if last weekend hadn’t of happened, it would have happened, it was just a case of when and what disasters the binge would bring with it.

My tactic is simply to keep busy and keep reminding myself of how bad I felt the last time I drank.

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Do I have AA problem?

In Alcohol, Drink, Drinking, Sobriety, Uncategorized on November 30, 2013 at 10:25 am

My last binge was so disastrous, I found myself in an AA Meeting on Monday evening.

‘Sign of an interesting weekend’ said one of the regular attendees of the meeting.

‘Damn right’ I said through a barrage of tears.

This hangover was different. I woke up with a mixture of wanting to tear my soul out because i was so full of self loathing and an over whelming calm sensation which told me ‘this is the end’.

I stayed in my bed, just waiting. I knew that I needed and wanted to change. I was now not only killing myself but I could have killed other people, just due to the effects of a drug, alcohol.

If someone told me that by drinking coffee in copious amounts I would end up driving with no recollection, I would try to jump out moving cars, I would be hospitalised for jumping out windows, from jumping down stairs, I would have unprotected sex with no recollection, I would be physically and verbally abusive, I think the odds are, I would stop drinking coffee. No buzz is worth all of the pain alcohol has caused me and my family. And the fact that I haven’t been able to control it, even after so many incidents, means that it is a problem.

I have an alcohol problem.

Ironically when I went to the AA,  I still hadnt admitted this.

I went to the meeting and I wanted to meet some ‘real alcoholics’.

I found their stories so familiar that my chest caved in, my eyes didnt want to see any more and my tears of relief and understanding forced their way down my face, washing away some of the shame that lingered on my skin from Saturday night.

Everyone welcomed me with open arms and I felt like if they could accept me for who I am and what I have done, then maybe I am not alone. Maybe I am not the rotting, disgusting human being I had painted myself to be. These people had all been through this, probably a lot worse and yet they didn’t patronise me or inflict any self righteousness on me. They just simply understood.