abijam

‘I don’t care what you think about me’

In Alcohol, Drink, Drinking, health, mental health, Sobriety on January 16, 2013 at 12:33 am

My most common mistake is putting up a massive front.

‘I was so wasted last night, it was hilarious’ actually means ‘I got drunk again, I have the worst hangover and I have shamed myself.’

Pretending not to care about anything is easy to do. Its not easy to continue and be sane at the same time. Eventually the cracks start to show.

Like most people, I enjoy nothing more than to have a good night out with friends. The odd night outs are a complete flop, some are amazing, but very regularly I cannot remember allot of them.

Is it normal to wake up in the morning and have to ask for a total recall on the night before? Is it normal to be told ‘you were like a different person’, ‘if i hadn’t of been there god knows what would have happened’, ‘you were shouting abuse at people like a posessed woman’, ‘ you tried to pay for your chicken with your passport’. I am pretty sure that’s not normal.

Some nights I could go out and be fine. Sometimes I can drink wine with my family and I can be fine. Sometimes i tell myself ‘no shots, just weak drinks’. The fact is, every night out or drinking occasion is a massive gamble.

The gamble is will I come home with a smile on my face, no hangover in the morning or on the flip side wake up with four teeth missing. Is the gamble worth it? Maybe eventually I will wake up, decide that drinking maturely will work better and never binge again. So far that hasnt happened, do I continue to gamble drinking until it does? Or do I have an actual problem.

I put on a hard face in front of my family but recently I have been struggling. I am either hard or the most sensitive person. I have moved home from university and on several occasions, I have been fairly open about my drinking. I have been told that if my behaviour escalated whilst under my parents roof I will be finding alternative accommodation. Thats fair enough. I have talked to them about thhe matter of going teetotal. The response was ‘don’t be a martyr’ and ‘learning to control your drinking will make you stronger than giving up completely.’ Again, I understand. I have a conflicting view which is, maybe I have to consider this as a problem.

Since leaving university and desperately wanting to change my drinking habits I have been drunk four times. On each of those occasions I have woken up guilt ridden, ashamed of myself and just generally angry that I have inflicted yet more suffering on myself.

Any thoughts on what constitutes as a problem? I would like to hear.

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  1. Oggod. This sounds so familiar and I love the way you write. The gamble – will it be smiles & feeling fresh as a daisy or no front teeth & a black eye? I know what it’s like to be that girl who’s conflicted. I still am that girl maybe. Society says you should be able to manage your drinking, just calm it down a little, how hard can that be? But for some people, like us, like you, the phrase “just the one” is a conceit.

    It’s a problem not because of the quantity of alcohol consumed or the frequency but the detrimental effect it has on your behaviour and how that affects other people. My boyfriend can drink twice as much as me and still be in control, sane, capable, happy and good fun to be around.

    The fact you are writing this blog means deep down you know you have a problem. If you recognise that you have, then you have. No-one else’s definitions will apply 100% to you and not everyone will agree on what constitutes “too much”, “a problem drinker”, “a social drinker”, “a binge drinker”.

    • Again, thankyou for reading this entry and thankyou for your comment.
      I am in complete agreement with everything you have said here. Society and peers continually tells you that drinking = good times. Moderation is achievable and easy and it’s somehow our fault we cannot control ourselves. Well I believe that even after my first drink I lose control. There is an inner voice that says ‘more and faster’ as soon as the liquor hits my brain.
      I definitely do have a problem and I have faced up to that now. I have decided that it cannot be labelled but I read a blog by someone who terms it ‘alcoholic drinking’ which I thought was quite accurate. I am not a regular drinker, but when I drink, I drink like an alcoholic.

      • Definitely… sounds familiar and the term alcoholic drinking sums it up. Labels don’t really matter, but they may make you (and crucially, others around you who are happy drinkers) wake up and realise that something isn’t quite right.

        Well, for me this stint of sobriety (wooops I just typed ‘stink of sobriety’!) is more contentious than the last one that lasted about 3 months, because this time round I’m being asked, no, begged not to drink by my partner. Last time, sobriety just happened without remark or incidence and it was nice not have any pressure or expectation whatsoever. I enjoyed it and played with it even, will she, won’t she… I chose not to drink and that made it pleasurable.

        This time, if I slip up, not only might it be the end of the relationship but I will have disappointed myself massively. I’ll probably hate myself. Which poses huge problems for me at a time when I’m trying to attain better mental health. I feel like I’m being kept under the thumb when of course he only wants what’s best for me… but I already struggle with feeling like half a person in this relationship with someone who’s very domineering.

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