abijam

Archive for January, 2013|Monthly archive page

‘I don’t care what you think about me’

In Alcohol, Drink, Drinking, health, mental health, Sobriety on January 16, 2013 at 12:33 am

My most common mistake is putting up a massive front.

‘I was so wasted last night, it was hilarious’ actually means ‘I got drunk again, I have the worst hangover and I have shamed myself.’

Pretending not to care about anything is easy to do. Its not easy to continue and be sane at the same time. Eventually the cracks start to show.

Like most people, I enjoy nothing more than to have a good night out with friends. The odd night outs are a complete flop, some are amazing, but very regularly I cannot remember allot of them.

Is it normal to wake up in the morning and have to ask for a total recall on the night before? Is it normal to be told ‘you were like a different person’, ‘if i hadn’t of been there god knows what would have happened’, ‘you were shouting abuse at people like a posessed woman’, ‘ you tried to pay for your chicken with your passport’. I am pretty sure that’s not normal.

Some nights I could go out and be fine. Sometimes I can drink wine with my family and I can be fine. Sometimes i tell myself ‘no shots, just weak drinks’. The fact is, every night out or drinking occasion is a massive gamble.

The gamble is will I come home with a smile on my face, no hangover in the morning or on the flip side wake up with four teeth missing. Is the gamble worth it? Maybe eventually I will wake up, decide that drinking maturely will work better and never binge again. So far that hasnt happened, do I continue to gamble drinking until it does? Or do I have an actual problem.

I put on a hard face in front of my family but recently I have been struggling. I am either hard or the most sensitive person. I have moved home from university and on several occasions, I have been fairly open about my drinking. I have been told that if my behaviour escalated whilst under my parents roof I will be finding alternative accommodation. Thats fair enough. I have talked to them about thhe matter of going teetotal. The response was ‘don’t be a martyr’ and ‘learning to control your drinking will make you stronger than giving up completely.’ Again, I understand. I have a conflicting view which is, maybe I have to consider this as a problem.

Since leaving university and desperately wanting to change my drinking habits I have been drunk four times. On each of those occasions I have woken up guilt ridden, ashamed of myself and just generally angry that I have inflicted yet more suffering on myself.

Any thoughts on what constitutes as a problem? I would like to hear.