abijam

10 weeks sober

In Alcohol, Drink, Uncategorized on November 14, 2016 at 8:31 am

I was 10 weeks sober yesterday. Just over 10 weeks ago I gave in to alcohol and had a gin and tonic after having been sober for just under a month.

The past 10 weeks have been a mix of really wanting to drink and also recognising how good it is to be sober again.

I had a break from AA meetings for just over a month and during that time I was struggling with my temptations the most.

I went back to AA a week ago and it felt good to be back. Listening to people pouring their heart out about being so drunk they smoked crack and soiled themselves is refreshing. One man explained that he is glad he has made these mistakes, that he can admit he isn’t perfect, because that is how he has met so many good people.

Deep down in my heart though, there is a part of me that just wishes to observe and not to really connect. I haven’t shared anything since my first meeting and I am have never said the words ‘I am an alcoholic’. Everyone at AA is much older than me and I think to myself ‘they are proper alcoholics’.

Perhaps I feel like a fraud?

One of the guys at AA said that it doesn’t matter how much you drink, how many times you drink or what you drink, you can be an alcoholic. And if you are an alcoholic that continues to drink it will never ever get better, it can and will get worse.

I hang onto this piece of advice when I experience temptation and hope that it will get me through that day without a drink.

On Friday night I went to my brothers house after a gym workout and a few people were there drinking beer and eating pizza. I met his new girlfriend too which was cool. They asked me to pick up some beer for them on the way over, which I didn’t mind doing.

They then suggested playing beer pong and the guys there all knew I wasn’t drinking, so when I played, someone else drank the beer for me.

I felt no need to join in with the drinking, which was great and refreshing. A little voice in my head occasionally rears its head and says ‘one small can of beer won’t hurt’ but the voice is getting so easy to ignore.

I just think of what alcohol does to and how I feel the next day;

Alcohol goes to my head and makes me needy. I want attention. I start feeling sorry for myself. I dance inappropriately, say offensive things, maybe even get aggressive. The worst part is that I have no idea to what extent because I blackout after not very many drinks. The loss of memory causes me to have a great deal of shame, anxiety and depression for the following days as well as experiencing a physical hangover (usually sickness).

The physical hangover usually also makes me buy junk food. So as well as consuming calories through alcohol, I am also eating more junk food.

Alcohol is also a poison which strips your body of hydration and nutrients which affects your immune system and your fitness (something I am currently working hard to improve).

When I am sat around everyone drinking I think to myself;

If I were to drink right now, I may do something silly.

If I stay sober, I can enjoy my night and not worry about embarrassing myself. I will be able to laugh at everyone else getting drunk.

One of the guys called me boring for not drinking and I said ‘How am I boring? I am staying up late with everyone, chatting to everyone and having a good time! The only difference is that I will be able to remember what I have done tomorrow, not feel like shit and I will be allot nicer than if I were to drink.’

I know he was joking but I wanted to make my point.

Too many people rely on alcohol as a social crutch. Too many people assume the only way to have fun is to be off your face but that just isn’t true.

Every time I hang out with people and have a very nice time and do a lot of laughing I remind myself that life is still fun without drink. I remind myself that I am not boring, I can be funny and enjoy myself. It just takes a while to adjust.

A lady at AA told me that AA is way more than just stopping drinking. At the moment, I am not sure what that means. Obviously it relates to the steps, but I haven’t experienced that shift in my mind. Maybe these past 10 weeks have been about acceptance. Perhaps I have finally accepted and now I am ready to tackle the things that follow sobriety.

Hopefully as time goes on, things will start making more sense.

No Pink Cloud

In Uncategorized on September 2, 2016 at 4:50 pm

Last time I properly gave up drinking, I felt a radiant positivity about it.

I felt a sense of achievement about staying in on the weekend and waking up fresh.

This time, I don’t have that.

This time it feels like work. I am reminding myself constantly why I dont drink. I am re-reading old posts and focussing on the last time I drank allot.

I have been to an AA meeting and I am nearly three weeks sober.

I am going to have to get through my dad’s 50th party sober whilst everyone gets very drunk this weekend.

I rang a lady I met from AA last night for a chat to tell her this and she reminded me that nothing good comes from getting drunk.

I am bored, lonely and craving excitement. I don’t know how to achieve this at the moment.

I want the newly sober pink cloud feeling back. I want to feel healthy and positive and strong.

Perhaps its a good thing that I dont have the pink cloud though. Maybe if I struggle through, there will be no dip the other side.

I hope this gets easier.

For now, I just have to carry myself, sludge on and use all resources available to keep myself sober.

Drunk and Inappropriate

In Uncategorized on September 2, 2016 at 12:02 pm

I went to see a career coach yesterday.

She is a well educated lady with psychology degrees, a husband, a child, a nice house in a nice neighbourhood, with lots of nice friends.

When I go to see her, she spends a lot of time telling me about her life, which I find fascinating.

The village she lives in is a big one and it sounds like most people socialise together.

She was telling me about the parties they have and how some people get invited and others don’t.

She said she feels bad for people when they don’t get invited as she hates to think that people will feel upset about feeling left out.

However, she did mention one person who she does intentionally leave out; her neighbour who gets too drunk and behaves inappropriately at parties.

I sat their grimacing with her ‘oh no, she dooesnt, does she?’

But in my brain I was screaming ‘Oh shit, I am the drunk and inappropriate neighbour’

Yesterday at work, I was getting pressure from colleagues to drink this weekend at my dads 50th birthday.

Even though I know I shouldn’t drink, the pressure is sometimes hard to deal with.

Hearing about this ladies drunk and inappropriate neighbour being left out from parties was a wake up call that I needed.

Although I have a deep sadness for this ladies neighbour, it also made me realise that people don’t understand drinking problems and they will judge and ostracise you for having one. And that is part of learning you have a problem and wanting to do something about it.

I think part of the reason I am single is because of how I behave when I am drunk.

I can be angry, upset, happy, aggressive, aloof, unfriendly and promiscuous.

Who willingly wants to put up with a grown woman who cant handle themselves?

It isn’t in most peoples nature to deal with behaviours in others that they don’t agree with or cant understand.